My Nuts

We were recently on an airplane and the flight attendant brought us some peanuts.  Mr. Baby asked me if he could go to the back of the plane and ask for two more bags of nuts for his brothers.  He asked the flight attendant 

"Please mine have some nuts for mine boys?"

Once I explained to her that he wanted a couple of bags of peanuts to take home to his brothers - she gave him this. 

He proudly walked back to is seat telling everyone he passed...

"look at my nuts!"

Fast forward to the end of the flight, the seatbelt light had been turned on and we were close to final approach to landing in Reno.  There was another little boy on the flight that was crying.  My oh-so-sweet caring boy, Mr. Baby said, 

"Do you think mine nuts will help feel him better?!"

Buaa hwaa haaa!

My friend, Jay C, said it best "if that had been said by a girl - all humor would have been lost!"

Dickless

Our house has been an illness infested cesspool this week.  The twins are both sick - colds, sore throats, achy bodies, fevers (oh, how high can we go?) and general nastiness.  Just as I was about to reach the end of my rope [cuz I am pretty sure that the parent of the year prize is not awarded to parents who yell "STOP COUGHING!" to their children] of the chorus of coughing this conversation happens:

Coolio (9.5 years) :  

"Mom, I don't feel better.  

I literally think I am dying"

["Literally?"  Child?  When did you learn that word?!]

Doodles (2.5 years) :  

"Oh Coolio!  Stop being dickless!

After I was able to stop laughing - trust me, it took a while - I was able to explain to Coolio that what Doodles really said was 'ridiculous' - "stop being RIDICULOUS!"

Toilet Racer

"Doodles, please play with your trucks somewhere cleaner else.  The toilet seat is not a race track." 

Please, someone else tell me their kid did this, too?

Knocked up.

Just after dinner this evening, I was in the kitchen when I heard nine year old Mr. B. say, 


"Wow.  That is one Knocked Up Baby!"


Say wha?

Oh, I see ...

Knocked OUT little brother!

Mr. B., The proper phrase is "knocked out", "knocked up"  that means something completely different!  :)

And just to clarify....  he simply fell asleep and was not actually knocked out!  

His mother's son

Oh dear.  I think I may have just discovered why I hate HATE REALLY HATE-HATE-HATE doing homework with my 9 year olds...

It seems that this picture is kinda hard to read and his writing is ATROCIOUS - so allow me to do a quick translation:

QUESTION 2.  Are any of the polygons that you drew regular polygons?  Explain how you know.

My son's answer, and I quote ...   

"yes, they all are.  I looked in the SRB [student reference book] and there I saw the regular polegons."

Perhaps I can't handle homework time because they are just as big a smartass as I am?

Pyramids on penises.

One of my sons, who shall remain nameless, (but suffice it to say is a 9 year old) caused me to send the following text message to my husband....

I might have TOTALLY missed it in the "mom manual", but I am pretty sure that *must* be dad's job to discuss the pros and cons of drawing pyramids on one's own penis. 

What about you?  What's the best thing you found drawn on your child?

Conspiracy Theory

My husband left last night for an out of town for a dance event, leaving behind the three boys and I.  The boys were great last night and all went to bed, as usual, without a fuss.

This morning, Doodles came into my bed for some milk and went back to sleep.  A while later, I heard the big boys making a bunch of noise and, most unfortunately, so did Doodles.  He got up to go play with them and left me sleeping.

A few minutes after I woke up, around NOON, the big boys came in and said they were very sorry to wake me up, but Doodles really needed a diaper change.  They later told me that they already fed him breakfast and tried to keep him entertained so I could sleep in.  

Then they filled me in on their plan for today, which apparently all three of them were in on...

"Me go Chuckee!"

Not only had the boys decided that going to Chuck E. Cheese was in order, but Coolio sorted and counted out the Chuck E. Cheese Tokens.  So I wouldn't have to spend my money to take them there... 

116 Tokens!

And Twin A let me in on another part of their plan...

Pancakes for lunch!

How could I not?  They took care of Doodles in the morning AND let me sleep in!

Pancakes it is!

After lunch, it was time to visit Chuck E.  

Did you know that 116 tokens will last 3 children (two 9 year olds and a 2 year old) 2 hours?  SO thankful to Mark (who works at a coin bank) for arranging to have the tokens given to the boys!

Total cost form our trip to Chuck E Cheese?  $1.93 cents for a drink.  :)

On the way home, we stopped at a park for, even more, a little more fun!

Doodles, Twin A and Coolio at the top of the double twisty slide!

Love these boys of mine!

Cunning Linguist ... Honey Bitch

The second in our linguistical series of the trials and tribulations of Toddler Talk, brings us to a story from not too long ago.  Let me tell you more about  

"HONEY BITCH"

Early one morning, (mind you, "early" in my two year old's world is between 9 and 11am), I had suggested that we go downstairs and have some breakfast.  Usually, he signs "cereal" and happily heads downstairs.  


But not that morning.  I was not sure what he said, but it sounded an awful lot like "Honey Bitch".  So, since he didn't seem to be all that interested in breakfast, we hung out a bit longer upstairs.  


He kept saying something...  and it still sounded like "honey bitch".  Maybe it was "Homey beach"?  "Horny pitch?"  Each as unlikely as the last.  What was that child saying?  


Finally, he signs cereal and we head downstairs.  The "Honey Bitch"  is getting clearer  and I can tell he definitely has something specific he wants.  So, I ask him to show me what he wants.  He takes me to the counter where the fruit bowl is...

A Peach!  Mystery #1 Solved!

And then to the pantry where he points to....

Of Course!

The little man wanted Honey Nut Cheerios with Peaches!

Thanks for the great breakfast idea, Doodles!  I don't know where you got the idea - but it sure was yummy!


And what happened later that day?  Doodles and I went to Wal-Mart to go grocery shopping.  and what did he holler out to everyone we passed?  ...  You guessed it - "Honey Bitch!"

Cunning Linguist ... /S/ vs /SH/

Our 2 year old, Doodles, is learning to speak and no one has more fun with the fact that he can't quite pronounce ALL the sounds in the English language than his 9 year old twin brothers.


Now, I love linguistics - I even majored in it in college - and I know and understand all about how the mouth works, and how one must use their tongue and lips and teeth [insert teenager giggles here] to make the varying sounds required to form words.  Things I find fascinating - like "velar fronting"  and "fricatives" - a nine year old can twist into hours of fun at the expense of an innocent toddler (who also thinks it is pretty funny.)


Over the last few weeks, they have been delighted silly with the fact that Doodles actually makes an /sh/ sound in lieu of an /s/ sound at the beginning of words.  


So what is the favorite word to make him say?

That's right - SIT.

Inappropriate literature.

The twins were reading tonight, and suddenly Twin B jumps up and says "Mom, I can't believe you are letting me read this!  It is SO INAPPROPRIATE!  Just look what it says!"

Yes, dear.  It says "You're nuts."


No, child, not "your nuts".  (They are not taking about those nuts!)

Tickle my Pickle

This one absolutely falls under the category of I hear it WAY. TOO. MUCH!  Now, if only they would give me a nickle every time they said it...

On March 7, 2012 - I wrote in the calendar (and on Facebook - sorry FB friends; this one is a repeat) ~

I would really like to know in which context my sons learned *this* in school today....

"I'll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle!"


Which can apparently, (as I have learned in the interim), be followed up with "I'll give you a dime if you ring my chime!" and/or "I'll give you a penny if you'll loosen my lenny!"  [Anyone else know what a lenny is?  Anyone?  Bueller?   Me neither.]

If you know me, you know that I always ask a lot of questions - and will usually ask the question even if I don't really want to know the answer.

The three follow-up questions I just *had* to ask? 

1.  Do you even have a nickel/dime/penny to give me?  (Perfectly innocent question...)

2.  What do you use to tickle with?  (they answered "a feather")

3.  Where do you find a ticklish pickle? (You don't want to know their answer....really)

Best of all, was my Cousin Mark's comment... "Hmm, guess they haven't learned about inflation yet.  It costs way more than a nickel these days!!"

Hookers and Streetwalkers

Thankfully, I kept a calendar where I wrote all kinds of things that were said/happened over the past 9 years.  (Though I will admit that more great stuff is probably on Facebook than actually on the paper calendars that hung on walls).  SO, if we manage to go for 24 or more hours with out something ridiculous said or done, (albeit - not too likely) then I will start pulling out the calendars and looking for great quotes, conversations, stories, anecdotes, etc!  Just remember, I am NOT this creative - I can't/couldn't make this stuff up!



An actual conversation from the back seat of my car on February 23, 2012 (twins were 8.5 years old).   


We were driving on the UNR campus and had to stop for two girls who were jaywalking.


Twin A:  Why are they crossing the street and NOT in a crosswalk?


Twin B:  They are called streetwalkers.


Twin A:  Oh, I thought those were called hookers.


Twin B:  Nope.  A streetwalker gets to cross the street wherever they want and they can even walk in the street instead of on the sidewalk. A hooker is a silly or crazy person who does whatever they want, wherever they want.




I now have no doubt that I am, in fact, "a Hooker".  Thank you, Twinlets, for clarifying that important distinction for me (and probably, for so many others out there too!)